Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
