Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
