I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
