I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
