I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
