So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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