the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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