you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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