Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
