Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
