I cannot find my penis.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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