I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize