I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
