i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
