I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize