first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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