Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize