Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
