I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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