Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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