We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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