Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
