'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
