You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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