I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
