9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
