O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
