In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
