My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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