It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
