When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
