theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
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