Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
