He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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