Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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