Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
