I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
