worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
