Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
