mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Randomize
