good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
