Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
