You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
