You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
