Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
