She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
