Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Alive.
So much puke
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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