Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Omg I joined a choir last night...
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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