I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
