Someone shit on the floor
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
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