So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize