I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
MIDGETS
????
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
