woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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