why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
