did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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