Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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